Wr/Dir : Nic Cramer.
Stars : Tammi Ann, Melissa Hill, Jon Dough, Laura Palmer, Anita Kelli, Yves Balliat, Kyle Stone, Frank Towers and a host of unknown Euro girls and guys who aren't worth mentioning...
PRIVATE FILM
I've decided to combine two reviews into one for this one. I also think that the movie would have been a lot better had it only been one film instead of one. They could easily cut a scene out here and there, I'm sure. I felt the same way about PT's "Sinderella" and all other movies I've seen made back-to-back with sequels. They can only extend a plot so far before it falls flat on it's face. The other reason for combining the two reviews is that some of the scenes in here aren't worth talking about at length so I'm being a bit less verbose than usual. Anyhow, on to the movie. Straight into the review...
The film opens with a slo-mo set of explosions and eye close-ups as the credits roll. Some David Lynch-esque music plays and the whole thing looks like the "lit match" sequence from Lynch's far superior "Wild at heart" (which I probably shouldn't mention here, as it's not a porn film. oops!). Now we cut straight to a truly repulsive looking Jon Dough ascending from the water in army gear and jumping onto an ocean cruiser. He stabs some Euro-guy in the gut and rushes down into the engine room where he encounters an unknown redhead. She has nothing particularly interesting to show for the scene and it's badly lit with lots of dark red and blue. It also has nothing to with the rest of the movie, thus becomes one of those scenes that I said they could cut out easily, without ruining anything. For the record, they do a standing screw with doggie and an anal sequence before ending in a dull facial.
Now we get some thoroughly gratuitous (not to mention mighty expensive) Vietnam footage with Dough (still looking bad) running through the jungles (mostly in (YAAAWN) slo-mo) and jumping over various mines, explosives, etc, while being shot at by the VietCong. Lots of shooting and chasing can be fun in a porn movie by my records but as this has nothing at all to do with the plot and is dragged out for soooo long, I have to go against my rule of guns=good and say that this scene sucks. Thankfully, Dough wakes up from this supposed "nightmare" in bed and we move on to the second scene...
He awakes on a bed with his dick in Eva Fever's mouth. (I assume this is Eva Fever by the credits, but I've never seen her before) She sucks him off for awhile before breaking into yet another Fast-Forward screw irrelevant to the movie. She's hardly mind-blowing and they do nothing interesting (can't recall if she does anal or not. Don't think she does). It ends with a typical Dough facial (ie squirty) which is okay, but not worth writing home about.
By now, I had seen two scenes and was ready to just switch the damn thing off. From what I could see this was turning into a wall-to-waller, with bad sex. Then (SHOCK!) something interesting happens. We get some dialogue. It turns out that the Eva Fever sequence was just another dream and Dough once again wakes up and breaks into a "Shit... Saigon" speech ala Martin Sheen in Coppola's original "Apocalypse Now!". The camera angles of Dough lying on the bed smoking are identical to Vittorio Storaro's angles in the original movie. (A nice touch, repeated later in the movie) The plot begins... Dough plays an army seargant who hasn't had a mission for some time. Suddenly, some old guy (presumably a higher ranking officer) gives him one. His mission (recounted to him by the old guy and some wimp who speaks with a heavy lisp) is to sail down the river to locate Col. Flurtz (haha), a female colonel who has gone mad and set up some kind of sex cult in the deepest, darkest jungles, where everyone is controlled by the "Apocalypse Climax", a silly looking statue which makes folks' sex drives go out of control. Jon is then treated to a video of "Zero the mercenary", the last soldier to venture into Flurtz's camp....
On comes Frank Towers (overacting badly) as "Zero", telling the camera that Flurtz is God, or some such crap. Then Laura Palmer appears behind him, and my hopes were suddenly raised for the future of the movie. Melissa Hill walks on next, as Col Flurtz, and commands Laura to start sucking Frank's dick. All of a sudden we find ourselves in the middle of an orgy sequence which consists of two b/g/g sequences, neither of them intermixing. The one to avoid is Yves Balliat (YAY!) screwing Melissa Hill and some unknown Fillipino chick who's ugly to say the least. On the other side of the screen we see Frank screwing Laura and Anita Kelli. Yeesssss.... Anita and Laura make an excellent on screen team of the Zara and Silver variety, IMHO. They were good together in Arrowhead and this is no different. They perform a lovely double BJ on him, before he doggies Anita as she eats out Laura. Some great full body shots of Laura here, so things are definately looking up in more ways than one. Meanwhile, Yves is doing a choppy Reverse Cowgirl with Melissa, that's not worth thinking about at length and it soon breaks into a entirely shot in close-up sequence with him and the Filippino chick, while Melissa stands around licking them both at random interludes. Back to the other threesome, Laura is now getting it missionary from Frank while Anita is hanging from the roof (upright) and positioned nicely on Laura's face. Some lovely camera-work here, displaying Anita's rather impressive body to an acceptable degree. The Yves scene ends with bad oral cumshots on the two girls and Frank pastes the girly's tongues with his load, and they do lots of erotic playing with the fluid before eventually smiling at the camera, prior to the fade-out.
Cut now to Dough being introduced the other members of his crew, who are to accompany him on his dangerous mission. One of them is Tammi Ann. Obviously, he can't resist her charms and the two of them end up screwing in a tent. She begins with some lovely tease-work, making much use of the wonderful (and indescribable) item of clothing that she's wearing, before squatting on a barrel, while Dough eats her for awhile. Soon he begins screwing her (doggie) as she continues to squat on the barrel (Interesting position). One thing that I didn't like here was the element of control. To begin with Tammi was kind of in control of the situation, teasing him with her body and clothing and getting him all hot and bothered before they screw, but now he's suddenly VERY MUCH in control and pulling her hair and being very unnessercarily (sp) rough with her. I don't like that, where the control is passed from person to person without motive. It would be much better if she was in control the whole time, IMHO, but alas we rarely seem to see Tammi in fem-dom sequences... But I degress... Moving back to the scene, they now break into a FANTASTIC reverse cowgirl, during which Tammi FINALLY removes her clothes, which goes on for awhile and features lots of lovely shots of her absolutely amazing body. Not only is she wonderful to look at, but she also seems really "into it" during this scene and makes a fair bit of noise. (Nice cute noises, not Teri Weigal screaming-mimi stuff.) It ends with a good shot to the mouth from Dough. She dribbles the (voluminous) load out of her mouth and looks very sexily into the camera. After a bit of this she eventually bursts out laughing, lets out a beautiful smile and pushes Dough away, as if she didn't know that the camera was still on her. I liked that. A nice touch to end a hot scene...
Cut now to Dough and his crew sailing down the river. He is introducing the various characters to us as we get shots of them standing around yakking to each other. Firstly there is "Walker", played by Kyle Stone, he's the inexperienced young man. Then there's "Speedy", played by the guy I thought was Kyle Stone until I saw the credits, who is the boatman. I don't know who he is, but he gets shot before long anyhow so it doesn't matter. Next we are introduced formally to Tammi's character and the (very nice) cameraman decides to shoot some great shots of Tammi doing some highly erotic stretching exercises in the sunset, while Dough tells us how she could snap a man's neck in seconds or some such tough-talk. I liked this bit... The shots of such a fine body against the exotic Filippino sunset is poetry in motion, a rare occurence in a porn film. But I'm degressing again. We next get the car-chase scene that you may have heard about, which looks effective for a porn film... Some VC's chase Dough and the gang along a road and the two teams shoot each other. In the end the VC's explode after Tammi fires a good shot at 'em. (Yay!) After this they meet up with some revolting Filippino girl who claims to have been part of Flurtz's following and tells us her story...
Flurtz, an unknown redhead, and two guys march into the girl's room, throw her onto the bed and start slapping her about (not good behaviour) as one of the guys says (in a rough British accent) "we gonna fuck you". I hit the Fast-Forward button and didn't take it off 'til the scene finished. Noticable elements of the scene on FF, for those of you who want to know, included anal (don't know which girl), Reverse Cowgirl (on a flabby looking Melissa) and poor oral cumshots to finish with.
Back on the boat, now, the crew decide to set up camp on the bank but are attacked by unknown gunmen. A tense shootout scene occurs here with Tammi going absolutely apeshit with the machine gun and firing shots off all over the shop. (I guess she was having fun?) In the end, "Speedy" gets shot and the other three escape on the boat, while Dough babbles some incoherant shit about Flurtz stepping too far from the river bank and going past the point of no return... A gratuitous sunset shot now appears and thus ends part one.
Enter Part Two, subheaded "The Final Ecstacy".... We open with Dough's boat pulling up at the last US outpost before no man's land. This place is run by Damian Michaels who plays the same sort of character as Dennis Hopper did in the original. However, Hopper was into surfing while bullets flew off around him, whereas Michaels is (surprise!) into fucking while bullets fly off around him. After everyone dodges lots of gratuitous explosions and some Vietnamese people get bloodily gunned down (not exactly prime material for a film whose main purpose is to arouse, eh?), Michaels shows the rest of the party a airheaded Russian spy who he has captured and whom he now proceeds to violently screw. He asks Kyle to join in with him, but he's too nice a guy to indulge in this. Tammi however is more than happy to join in. She strips down to nothing (yummmm) then starts jumping around the place licking and fingering everyone in sight. The good thing here is that we get to see a bit of Tammi being domninant for once as she venomously delivers lines along of lines "You're gonna suck his cock, aren't you, bitch?" and at one point actually spits on the girl! As Damian continues to pound the poor Russian girl to a pulp (missionary only, as far as I can recall) Tammi masturbates in the background, with much breastplay involved. In the end, Tammi holds the girl's face in front of Damian as he jerks off in it, sending a miniscule dribble into her mouth.
Now Nic Cramer decides to forget about the plot, thus we witness Jon and company now caged and guarded by Laura Palmer and some other girl who I've not seen before. Tammi Ann is tied naked to the top of the cage. Whoever tied her was wasting his/her time as Tammi wriggles out of the ropes within two seconds of being on-screen, just in time for a terrible orgy sequence. Jon stands inside the cage, Laura stands outside the cage and she sucks his dick from between the bars. Inside the cage, Kyle screws a truly repulsive Filippino girl (with his eyes shut most of the time). On top of the cage, Tammi Ann is doing some remarkably erotic masturbation, but sadly the camera doesn't linger very long on this and instead concentrates on the blurry mess going on down below. Before too long Jon shoots his wad into Laura's mouth and the other guard enters the cage to perform a standing screw with Jon. Meanwhile, Tammi comes (cums) down off the roof to perform an all too brief g/g with Laura. Laura is one of the few girls who can perform a g/g with Tammi without being made to look like chopped liver by comparison, so technically this should have been volcanic. Sadly, the editor/cameradude decided to again concentrate on the mess occuring within the cage. I hit FF>>. Two notable shots :- Firstly, there's a short (almost subliminal) shot of Tammi Ann licking a skull on a pole! This is kinda cool & something you don't see everyday! Then, there is one very long and verrrry nice shot of Tammi in some crazy position masturbating like there's no tomorrow. This is a very good part of the scene. Sadly it only lasts for about 30 seconds. Not fair. I demand a two and a half hour Tammi Ann solo video and I demand it now!!!! Sorry, back to the scene... Kyle cums. Probably on the chick's face, but it was too gross to watch. Jon delivers a barely watchable facial to the other girl. We fade out....
Now we arrive at the climatic scene. "The final ecstacy" as Nic Cramer would like me to call it. Sadly, it's the worst part of the movie... Firstly we get an orgy break out on the ground of Flurtz's camp, involving the entire cast, including that "Speedy" guy who got gunned down earlier on! We get a brief moment of writhing flesh and soon cut into another (indoor) scene. Jon walks in on a bathing Melissa, and we get the porno equivalent of the famous Marlon Brando speech from "Apocalypse Now!". This, I can honestly say, wins the award hands-down for THE most pretensious dialogue ever spewed forth in a porn film, beating easily everything VIVID has ever done put together and multiplied by two. Melissa (who CANNOT act) talks utter gibberish for nigh on ten minutes (I hit FF>> So will you) about diamond dildoes and the likes before eventually asking Jon to fuck her (No surprises there, eh?). At first they leap into each other's arms and start kissing each other, very passionately, but soon the heat drops and it turns into standard, production line sex. This is intercut with the orgy outside, which is now starting to get a little better. If you ignore the three or four unattractive unknown girls whom the camera focuses on the most, then you might get to see some glimpses of Laura Palmer, doing some nice full-body shot missionary, some extremly quick shots of Anita Kelli doing something (what, I'm not sure, it's way too quick to focus on) and Tammi Ann doing pretty much everything imaginable, and then some. I wish these camera people could get it right on what the public wants. Here, we have three beautiful ladies willing to show themselves off fully to the viewer at every available opportunity, and the dumb SOB goes off and shoots Kyle Stone screwing yet another repulsive Filippino girl. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? God, my blood pressure is rising! If only they could employ some people with brain cells.... Anyway, back inside, the Melissa/Jon screw is getting worse and worse. Now, we are "treated" to lengthy views of Jon's buttocks (lovely... NOT) and not even a glimpse of Melissa, until he finally pulls out and squirts a fairly voluminous load on to her face. If you're desperate to see her take a facial, you may enjoy this. The orgy outside climaxes with a couple of weak oral shots on the ugly chicks, a great shot to Tammi Ann's lovely crotch, where the cum kind of drips down through her buttocks downwards (if you'll excuse my bad description skills), a facial on Tammi Ann and finally after a long wait, a truly anti-climatic facial for Anita.
The film ends with a shot of a wide-eyed Jon Dough looking demented. I guess this is supposed to show that he has seen the light or some such bullshit. The film ends with some truly unfunny outtakes while the creds roll. What can I say? This film could have been a modern day masterpiece. The world has been crying for an accurate porn parody of "Apocalypse Now!" (at least I have) and finally we get one with a) some genuine attempts to re-enact scenes from the orignal and b) a rather good concept for a porno equivalent of the plot. The problem is that Nic puts in all the irrelevant crap at the start and forgets the plot half way through, so that puts a damper on that. Also, he wastes money on gratuitous 'Nam sequences that could have been better spent on something more relevant to the story. As for the sex, I can say nothing but "WASTE OF RESOURCES". When you have Anita Kelli in a movie, you want to show her off for more than five minutes out of 140. Tammi Ann was in quite a few of the scenes (a huge bonus) but the camera always seemed to focus on the other participants, so even her stuff was brought down by the rest of it. Laura Palmer is wasted almost as much as Anita. But if you're into sickly looking Filippino's then you'll get a kick out of this one. Supposedly this was shot in the Phillipines (as was Arrowhead, which used much of the same cast and was a damn sight better) so I guess Nic just picked up some of the locals who couldn't speak English too well and forced them to appear in this.
Basically, the only way to enjoy this one is to re-edit yourself. True, you're now left with about thirty minutes of footage (Maximum) but at least you have some great stuff. The other 110 minutes are a true waste of space/time/effort/money and don't even warrant thinking about....
Overall, an ambitious effort, which proved that high-budget, hi-action porn can be made, but not by Nic Cramer. As an overall mark for both parts I give a 2.40 (On the basis that anything with Tammi, Laura AND Anita in it gets that by default) but part two alone would probably score almost nothing, as it is truly abysmal. I guess this goes to show that no matter how much you jazz it up with action and dialogue, "It's still cock and hole to me" (to mutate a well known Billy Joel song title) Avoid this heap of garbage and go rent out "Arrowhead" instead, the other PRIVATE film with Tammi, Anita, Laura and lots of guns/crossbows/action.
Happy viewing!